Encourage positive connections between siblings.

From the start, treat each of your children in aspecial way. With new additions to the family, continue to make your otherchildren feel special and give them extra time and attention.

Not having a favorite (stated or unstated) among yourchildren is an important beginning. Differential treatment of siblings orpreferences can lead to negative consequences in terms of the self-esteemof your children. Often, favoritism can be unconscious, and so it takes alot of soul-searching and open-mindedness to be aware of and then to workthrough the favoritism. Enjoying each of your children in different waysis not favoritism, but treating them in terms of a hierarchy in emotionalcloseness is!

Require that your children take corrective actionsfor any aggressions and not merely apologize.

Look to your own relational skills, or that of yourspouse or your ex, to understand where your child might have learnedbullying or being a victim. Adults are less likely to tolerate behavior inchildren that they tolerate in themselves or in their adult-adultrelationships. It is as if adults have a license for such behavior thatchildren have not yet earned. Remember that bullying is not always aboutgetting into a fight. Bullying can also be more subtle -- put-downs, thecold shoulder, silent treatment, and constant criticism. Examine yourchild's network of relationships, including those with siblings, tounderstand and remedy the source of such problems.

Teach your children problem-solving skills(preferably, win-win problem-solving skills so both are winners). They canthen work out a lot of their own problems by using tools of reasoning,knowing that there are alternatives, and most important that a dialoguecan go a long way. Just as you talk to your children, encourage them totalk to one another

Encourage children to verbally express feelingsrather than act out aggression and to express such feelings in anonhostile manner. Encourage such nonhostile behavior by behaving inharmonious and fair ways toward the children rather than aggressive andbullying ways.

Teach your child to express his or her feelings in anassertive, not aggressive, way. Encourage your child to express his or herworries as well.

Encourage your children to engage in positive,cooperative activities together to build a positive and pleasurablerepertoire in their relationship.

Encourage your victimized child to feel as if he orshe can come and get you. Let him or her know that you will not rescuethem, but you will help with the problem-solving that is needed. You mightfacilitate "making amends." Children feel cared for when theyknow a supportive person can be relied upon to help them solve theirproblems -- not solving the problems for them, but helping them figure itout themselves. Empowerment is the result. Don't do the work for one, theother, or the relationship. Be an available, nonintrusive presence who canstructure life for your children in a sensitive and nonhostile manner.

Read your children's emotional cues correctly andwork at understanding the cues of each of your children so you canunderstand by the look in their eyes what they are feeling. Show yourchildren that you are emotionally connected and available to each of themin special and unique ways. If you have trouble in this area, try buildingyour skills in this area by talking and playing more with your child. Asyou spend more time with your child, you will be in a better position tounderstand where he or she is coming from and will more easily reademotional signals and communications. As you get to know your childbetter, it will become easier to understand his or her emotions.

Nurture in each of your children and through positiveinteractions between siblings a sense of standards with respect torelationships -- inner standards of fairness, justice, kindness, empathy,and other aspects of morality in human behavior Also, show and describe tothem "social causality," that is, "He did this because shedid that"-type of thinking. Give them the words to their actions soyou help them internalize such views of relationships, even very early onwhen they do not seem to understand it all. They will, nonetheless, beimpressed by the labels, and you will get their attention.

Have playtime with your children, either separatelyif it is possible for you, or together, designating the "leader"for a certain period of time. Again, such designations are in line withfairness in relationships.

Take the responsibility to know if each of yourchildren has his or her emotional needs met by taking the EmotionalAvailability Self- Assessment for each of them to see if each child issecure in his or her relationship with you. It is easier to resolve issueswith these healthy emotional connections with you than without them. Ifthe emotional connection with any of your children needs work, do thatwork simultaneously -- don't sidestep it, Take that responsibility!

Through your own example and through discussions withyour children, help each of them learn to emit appropriate emotionalsignals (mostly positive) and learn to read others' emotional signals. Forexample, when a child frequently feels rejected by his or her friends,withdraws from interactions, and cannot talk about it for a long time (andthese friends behaviors do not objectively seem rejecting and/or they tryvery hard to be inclusive), you might work with your child to try reactingin more appropriate ways, ways that match the intensity of the situation.Instead of sulking endlessly, she can be coached to verbally express,"Hey, I don't like it when you exclude me . . . so please try not to,okay?" and then move on with interactions, rather than being stuck insilent treatment.

Taken from Raising a Secure Child (Perigee Books; $15.95) by Zeynep Biringen. Copyright © 2004 Zeynep Biringen

For more information, please visit www.emotionalavailability.com

Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D., is the foremost researcher on emotional availability in parent-child relationships. An associate professor at Colorado State University and a licensed child psychologist, she also maintains a private practice and consults for the courts and mental health professionals. She is the creator of The Emotional Availability Scales, the system for scientifically understanding parent-child connections, which is used worldwide.