By Barbara Joy, Parenting Coach

I was recently speaking before a large group of parents on “Sibling Rivalry” as I have many times before. This time the talk was different. In preparing the workshop, I realized that I wanted to address the fact that the rivalry is a part of the relationship and there are many other equally important parts. As parents, we many times concentrate on the rivalry because that is one of the dynamics that we sometimes wish we could do without. As parents, we need support in helping our children learn ways to more effectively deal with their rivalry.

Sibling rivalry is not that your children don’t like one another. Sibling rivalry is competing for your attention and approval. It is natural. Below are a few tips and tools that may be helpful in dealing with the rivalry as well as enhancing your children’s relationship with one another.

• Give up expectations that siblings will get along.
• Avoid comparisons: No one likes to be compared. Statements that compare children initiate conflict.
• Avoid taking sides: Avoid automatically blaming the older child who should know better and taking the side of the younger child.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Statements like the following deny the normal feelings of anger and jealousy that all children occasionally feel toward their sibling. “Be a good boy and don’t fight with your sister.” “That’s a terrible thing to say to your brother. Brothers love each other.” Statements like the following acknowledge some of these feelings: “I bet you sometimes wish that your sister was never born.” “I can see that you are angry that your sister broke your toy.” “I know it’s really hard to share me with the baby sometimes.” When our children know that we do understand and hear them, they are better able to feel the feelings and go on with their day.
• Set clear and consistent limits with logical, natural consequences.
• Intervene when necessary: With younger children we have to intervene more often than we do with older children. We need to always stop physical and aggressive behaviors and enforce the ‘no hitting’ rule. Many times we can offer possible solutions that will help to teach your children conflict resolution. Some examples are: trading toys, taking turns, negotiating and compromising solutions that are acceptable to both children. Remember these are skills that your children are looking to you to teach them. So, the various ways that you role model ways to handle differences and conflict is teaching your children how they will handle these kinds of situations. Encourage them to use their words to express their feelings as well as what it is they are wanting to accomplish.
• Treat each child as an individual: Look for the strengths of each of your children and find ways to have them succeed. Remember, we want them to experience the feeling of being successful.
• Quality time alone with each child on a regular basis: In our busy world, this piece frequently gets lost. I encourage you to remember that You are the most important person in the world to your child and they do not care so much about what you are doing but that you are taking time to be present with them. Look behind their eyes…. Get to know them as the truly special individual that they are.

Here are a few tips to help your children build their relationships with one another:

• Encourage together time just for them.
• Role play: This can be a fun way to help them to see what it is like to be the sibling, the mom and the dad.
• Clearly convey to them what you expect: Your children want to please you. The more clear and consistent we are with our expectations, the more they will succeed.
• Keep your children connected.
• Help your child to get behind the eyes of his/her sibling.
• Be clear and consistent with your family rules: ie: No aggressive behavior. No taunting or teasing.

For those of you who enjoy and find a book helpful, you might want to take a look at these:

Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Beyond Sibling Rivalry, Peter Goldenthal
The Successful Child, William and Martha Sears
Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson
Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Reliant World, Glenn & Nelson
Setting Limits, Robert MacKenzie
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So kids Will Talk, Faber & Mazlish
How to Behave So Your Children Will, too, Sal Severe

Copyright 2003, Barbara Joy Inc. All documents, webpages, photographs and images are the property of Barbara Joy, except where noted. Permission is required to copy, download or use any text, photographic or image files.